Shrapnel in my Heart

    Well this past weekend was the last big weekend EVER for Zhong Relations. We had our final good byes and said farewell to each other as we are all starting to leave China this week. It has been a very hard weekend for me, saying goodbye to Wuhan and the amazing adventures I have had here. This week I will be saying goodbye to my students and finishing my packing. By next weekend I will be on track to fly back to the states. This is when it gets sticky ...

   Home is a relative term to me now, I'm not really sure where it is at the moment. Not to mention I am still waiting on APU about my acceptance into the TESOL program. My future is pretty up in the air right now and I really don't know what I 'm doing. So in 8 days I will board an airplane and leave China, these 10 months have gone by way too fast. On the flip side many of the Zhongers are going back to the States so I am going to try to keep in touch with everyone either Skype or if they are close going and seeing them. It would be good for me with adjusting to be able to keep in contact with my China family. I know the pain I am feeling will pass, but I have to warn you I will never be the girl I was before I left ever again. That is something we talked about at debrief was just that your friends and family think everything will go back to the way it was and that will never happen, China has changed you. I will do my best not to talk about China all the time and keep my thoughts to myself. If I burst out crying its probably because I am missing the places and people I met here and came to love.

     For now this is it just a short and sweet post, thanks for your 'thoughts' over the last 10 months they have gotten me through some pretty tough spots. See you all soon ~tears~

My 660 Children

        Well here in China it's Friday but we have Dragon Boat Festival next week so we are teaching Mondays classes today. As I woke up this morning all I could think was 'God help me' I was more then a little tired and not really feeling the teaching thing this morning. I came down to my office to have one of my little 3rd grade boys come in the office. He handed me a note that I thought was from his teacher. I opened it to find the following:

     Dear Becky,
            I love you so much. I hope you don't go. Becky, you teach we every week, we play in study, study in play. Take care.
              That boy always raise the hand up.
                                  Jimmy


        My heart is about to burst at this point. I am already dreading leaving China and my babies when a little girl, Alice hands me a note as well. It's written in Chinese so I can't read it (have to had Amy translate for me).  I have to go teach a class and I come back from the class to more notes on my desk.

                 Becky~
                      I love you! and miss you, I ever miss you! You like a mum! We all love you. We love your class.
                               Love you's      Laura


       I am most assuredly leaving my heart in Wuhan, China. This is my fuel these little notes on the days that grad school (waiting to be accepted, paperwork is all in takes 2 weeks for an answer)  just seems like it is too much. I am going to give it everything I have to come back to my babies in China. Granted I doubt I will ever come back to WEFLS but if I can come back to Hangyang I can see how they are doing. I made up my mind in the beginning of this school year to love these kiddos extravagantly like the Father loves me. At first I wasn't sure if it was making a difference but now I know that it did. I have 660 children (give or take a few) that I call mine...yes even the 4th grade boys. I am going to miss them so very much but I will leave them in the hands of a very capable Father.  Hard goodbyes are never easy but I have learned that C.S. Lewis was right when he wrote:

         

       “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  The Four Loves

      I will feel  pain as I have to  let go of my little ones, but I rather feel that pain then for my heart to be so cold and dead that it has become irredeemable. China has changed me, these kiddos have changed me and I will miss both. I know that the seperation is temporary-- but that still is not making it any easier to say goodbye to people. Honestly when I get back to the States I need lots of hugs and a shoulder to cry on.  I say farewell for now knowing that the Father's love in me made a difference to some pretty amazing kiddos in China. 

June is here....

         Well June is here in China and I can't believe I am going back to the States soon. I have already started to pack and get things together. Its been longer then i wanted it to be since I wrote I am so sorry but China is busy and things are not really scheduled here, honestly sometimes I still hate that but I have pretty much gotten used to it. I have a feeling that reverse culture shock might not be so kind to me. I'm going to miss the Middle Kingdom and I'm leaving my heart in Wuhan...which gives me a great reason to come back to get my heart or maybe just stay here permanently.

        I have one more piece of paperwork waiting to get to Azusa Pacific and then they will take my file to the board. I have to wait for two weeks and then I will know if I am a graduate student at Azusa Pacific. I really hope so I want to come back to China, I have friends that really don't want me to go and I haven't told my students yet that I will not be here next year, every time I get close I lose my nerve with those little faces and I just can't. I will miss their little smiles and hugs like you wouldn't believe. I am taking all of their beautiful artwork home with me.

        This week will be a long one we will work 9 or 10 days straight because of Dragon Boat Festival. Then we have our very last Zhong Relations party ever...sad day :( However coming back to America I won't be eating weird mystery food. I have had spicy cow stomach, guts (seriously it was some kind of intestines they are really chewy). I have eaten some pretty crazy stuff here, but this is China and I wouldn't have traded any of it for all the money in the world. I will miss hanging out with friends and crazy stuff happening like cramming on a bus  to go somewhere or ordering broccoli and getting  octopus put in with it. Crazy stuff like that! Ok well I don't know if I will write in this again before I come home since my last few weeks are going the fly by I fear so in parting I am leaving with this:


          I have a friend named Taylor that makes amazing ice cream and he needs your help. He is starting a business with a vision that is borderline on some things that are close to my heart so here is a nifty video you can watch and I would encourage you to help:

http://vimeo.com/59625204


Hugs~
Becky